My great-aunt knitted this outfit for me, a muted red vest and skirt. I remember how it felt to wear it. Now that August can wear it...to sheepishly quote Little Edie Beale, "It's very difficult to keep the line between the past and the present. " Sometimes. I look at August and it's like looking at my baby photo come to life. It really is the oddest sensation. Other times she is my Abuelita, she is Jacob, she is cousin Callan, she is my little sisters, she is my Grandmother Irene when she raises her eyebrows and gives a mischievous little smirk.
There are orphans in our past. My family and Jacob's have orphans. I am sure there were also children who were well cared for but maybe lacked the love and affection they desired. In loving August, it feels like we are loving every toddler in our combined, ancestral past. I am grateful for all the patience and awareness I have at this point in my life as it has allowed for a truly amazing experience with August I don't think I would have had at other points in my life. Timing.
Someone once predicted that I would be an older mother but not to worry. While there is energy in youth, there is patience as you get older. I would sit outside for hours watching my chickens peck the ground. I'd observe, I'd listen to how their sounds varied and tried to spot patterns. My bunny would sit next to me, in the shade, and I'd watch his breathing and his nose twitch. These creature teachers were preparing me for motherhood with August.
I've seen August's face for decades. I would see her in dreams, exactly as she is now. I'd wake up longing to meet her but felt as if I had just spent very real moments with her and was thankful for that. Through a series of crazy and unexpected circumstances and situations, I walked through the glass and joined her, finally. And now, once in a while, I dream of my chickens, my backyard, my pets, my old house and I spend some moments there but Jacob and August are with me. I don't wake up pining from those dreams. While I slept, worlds would unfold and some were more real than others. I am convinced, I choose while my eyes are shut.
The more present I become, the more fluid time seems to be. Time, dreamtime, where we are, it has more to do with our hearts than our minds. And someone once told me the goal is to think with your heart and love with your mind.
