After that last year...

Last January I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know where we'd be living from one week to the next. I had resumes cluttering my desktop and printer, I'd find myself irritable and annoyed, unable to just relax. I asked friends to collect moving boxes for me and when they would ask when I'd be packing, I had no answers. Things hovered over me for months: options, deadlines, opportunities, finances. Despite this we managed to celebrate all the holidays and had a sweet birthday party in April. All our traditions continued. I saw them all as promises I made to myself and my daughter and had to keep them going.

Those traditions pulled us through the toughest year I have ever had in my life. If I was unable to be as present and mindful as I would have liked, planning a Valentine's Day dinner complete with play list and fancy dessert pulled me out of my head, took me far from my troubles and brought the focus closer to the present and on my child and then the two of us together. While having dinner with her last night I thought of last February and felt irked by what immediately came to mind. I only remembered the passing of time and all the worries and how stressed out I was for nearly that entire year. A day later, what returned to my memories were days spent between our favorite museum and exploring the nature center together and feeling so nestled in the security of just what is and in the day dreams that I shared with my daughter. I made her beautiful cards, sewed her an awesome pair of pants, we kept a garden up through the summer and enjoyed our greens. The list multiplied and seemed endless, it was a rather successful year for us.

Looking back, we didn't have a year taken away, we were given a year of spontaneous living and being out of our comfort zone. As a result we enjoyed people, places and opportunities we couldn't have otherwise. That being said, I cannot ignore how difficult and worrisome the months were.  Being a planner, there were weeks of torture, just not knowing what to do because I had nothing to work with or go by. It was a year given to me to teach me patience. I hope there won't be but life has highs and lows and I will need to draw upon lessons learned again: be patient, be flexible and fight to stay present because concerns and worries are not worth the focus you think they are.

Appreciating where we are now doesn't erase all those horrible feelings from last year, I can't forget the anger and frustration divorce brings, but I can look back and also see the adventure we had. Today, I like feeling lighter and it's a nice change of pace to have a schedule to mind. It was difficult to fall in line with the rat race but now that we have, I have come to find comfort and solidarity driving along with all the others during rush hour. 

I sold most of our furniture and gave away the bed and many other things. However, I  am not feeling the need to replace anything just yet, nor do I miss these possessions I thought I would never part with. I was looking at wooden platform beds that can fold up and fit in the back seat, but I have no desire to buy anything and feel like we could, and maybe should, just go anywhere. Last year infused our lives with adventure and we found out that we could keep up our traditions wherever we were under any circumstance and keeping those promises to ourselves is keeping the home.