Now that I have a daughter...

Now that I have a daughter, I look back on my life with the eyes of a mother. I was reading parts of Jane Eyre the other day. Only parts because the story has changed for me over the years. I have reviewed it several times, in every decade of my life. It isn't something I care to read anymore. My opinions are just too strong and my experiences poignant.

I remember when an older man seemed so romantic and how exciting it was to have a "silver fox" look my way. In my twenties I dated men at least six years older than myself and it's something I regret. "I just attract older guys", I'd tell my friends who only saw a loser in every single last one of them. They were always right. What young girl doesn't attract younger men? I was so ridiculous, all of 22, 23, 24, 25.... I was 21 and dating a 42 year old. I felt so sophisticated in coffee shops with that man and that he had been married and divorced twice didn't bother me. He smoked and drank a whiskey every night and had so much to say about books and music and movies... because he was old. I had a lot to say as well but he had twenty or so years on me. He was French which made it all so thrilling. One day he told me about that time he worked at a casino in Paris and during that story it occurred to me that I wouldn't know if he worked in a casino or a gas station. I don't know anything about this man. I wised up and stopped picking up the phone. 

I just want to tell these beautiful young women in their second decade of life to just romance themselves and their friendships, establish their careers, be sexy, and tell these old men to move on,  because they aren't worthy of their potential or their youth. The men I dated had already been married and divorced and had ex-wives, child support and sad sack stories of how terrible these women were. How they stole their money and just smashed their hearts. I was the light, I was so different. How is it that with me, he had found, for the first time ever, peace. How we were meant to be and how he'd care for me....YERCH! And by the way, with older men, there is rarely a first time.

They are vampires that will take you away from your friends, grow jealous of your youth and beauty, and steal your confidence to compensate for their insecurities. They will keep you from being who you are destined to be. They will take you off course and you will have to work hard to get back on path. They convince you that it's fate, it's destiny and it's for the love of a lifetime that you found each other. Nope. It's because you made it so. You didn't tell the old guy to move along. You engaged with this aging man and now he's selling you on how much money he makes, how he can support you and all the places you will go. Just know, it's best to go to those places with your sexy friends, with your own money, and not on the arm of some older man. 

All young women are strong, fierce and powerful. They can also be insecure, vulnerable, lonely and feel unloved. I would hope that those of us who have been down similar paths can help keep these young women on their paths and away from a broken down spirit with absolutely nothing to give and only takes and takes. That "romantic older man" who is courting them with flowers and song was a young man with nothing to give. He has grown old and quite possibly better at taking and stealing what he needs to go on being who he is. I'd tell these women not to cry when they see their old ex out and involved with someone new before they are done watching that 17th Friend's re-run. A smart person learns from their mistakes, a wise person learns from other people's  mistakes. I would love for young women to learn from our mistakes, my mistakes, and become wiser and empowered. 

Disclaimer: I realize so many May/December relationships are sincere and do work out. I am speaking to the women involved with an aging player.