Our Town. When we went to watch the movie Wonder, it was the scene where they are acting out Our Town for the school play that just made my emotions explode. It was hard not to turn the tears off after that. I once saw the play and I was a mess.

So now that August and I are part of the rat race, the lessons from Our Town, the rules by which I have tried hard to live by, most of my adult life, are more important than ever. I try hard to be able to make the mornings peaceful, lots of prepping the night before. Then making an effort to slow it down once I wake up. We sit for a short breakfast, have our music going, light the tree. Then turn everything off and lock the door, on our way into the vehicle where we try to continue our morning with our power song and catching up,lots of "I love yous", then park and close another door. We spend some time together saying good bye again and I walk out another door and drive away for several hours, long, pain hours spent doing things that have no impact on us or my life at all other than a paycheck.

Snow

We had a snow day for just a dusting of snow that had fallen an hour or two during the evening. It was not the first time August had experienced snow, but it was the first time she will remember, I hope. It was her first snow day and we loved receiving the message that school was cancelled and we'd both get the day off. The day was sunny and bright, the air crisp and so cold.

Yesterday evening we had been reading The Reindeer's Wish. All the photos of snow in the book had us telling each other how much we wanted it to snow. We drifted off and didn't finish the book and woke up an hour later to a phone call. My friend was excitedly telling me that it was snowing outside so we ran out and it was dreamy. August said the faeries did it just for us because we had been reading and wishing for snow.

We had a nice breakfast and she played the morning away taking out all her toys from the moving bins and boxes. I don't mind living with so many dolls and all the toy versions of everything I own. Childhood doesn't last long and toys won't be scattered throughout all rooms of our abode forever.

We spent the second half of the day at our favorite spots, browsing. I don't know what browsing does for children, for August, but she seems to really enjoy looking at old things at antique stores. She asks to borrow my camera to take pictures of things she likes or tell me to take a photo of her next to something she loves. We are in search of a pet, sort of.  More committed to the browsing for a pet, rather than the plan to actually have one.

We ate baked apples and chestnuts, and  watched Christmas in Connecticut. She suggested pork chops for dinner and I used the broiler for the first time. She fell asleep in my arms and I carried her to bed.

The Rat Race

So now that August and I are part of the rat race, the lessons from Our Town, the rules by which I have tried hard to live by, most of my adult life, are more important than ever. It's important to stay present and be mindful of how we spend our time. I try to make the most of every moment we have together, however, that can easily become an anxiety driven chore of watching the clock. August and I were fortunate enough to not be clock watchers for 5.5 years.  Now that we race against time, we are both grumpy, melancholic, miss each other and not adjusting well.

While she draws pictures of the two of us wearing sad faces and sporting sad hearts, I am at work trying to keep a stiff upper lip. The work I do is very good at consuming all the space in my head. I hug a small stone August gave to me one morning with the instructions to hold it tight when I think of her. I use my lunch hour to plan how we will spend the day once we are able to grab it and pull it out of the hands of status quo... Never have I wanted us to be off the grid than I do now. The fantasy of a tiny house and living off a garden, selling eggs, vegetables and wool for money and just spending our days doing the things that could almost guarantee regret-free lives. Is there such a thing?

I went to college, five hours away from all the people I loved and cried for months about it. That's who I am. I can't say I wish I had studied more, that I learned a lot, that I even accomplished much. After my Granpo died I did wonder of all the things I could have learned had I been able to stay home and visit him daily like I did before I left for college. He was so active until he turned 88 and was working his small 1.5 acres until then. He took with him the wisdom and know-how I wish I had today, to be able to successfully keep a homestead.

On my way to work I do wonder: What are we all doing? What have we all gotten ourselves into? Nothing will change the system of putting what is unimportant before what is important. There are books, articles, so much is said of how to focus on what is important in life. However, they are short-sighted. As long as we give 8 hours or more to a job and send our children to schools to learn to whittle away 8 hours a day, the meaning and happiness of life will elude us.

In being unemployed there was much stress, however, I was able to push away the constant worry of no pay check and focus on my child's words: "...at least we can be together, Mommy." And together we were and she learned to read, do math, learn about her world but mostly play. We played with clay and dolls and made puppets and acted out stories we read... Play is invaluable for young and old. It stimulates creativity, relaxes the mind so good thoughts find their way in. It keeps you young.

She tells me her class has no toys and they don't play much. So when we finally get home I say let's play! And I remember the feeling of getting home from school and into my play clothes. I plan our meals so I can just throw healthy and wholesome ingredients into a pot or two and just go play with my most favorite person in the world until the dinner is ready. I am trying hard to put the rush into the tasks of cleaning and prepping and slowing down with what is really important.

While at the job, when I have things in a certain place, I send my mental messages to August with the hopes that she catches some of them. Thoughts travel faster than light. I throw some thoughts into our future too, one where the focus is on what we value and think is important. Hopefully this new life of ours can run smoother and smoother with each week.

What do you do to bring balance into your life?